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Pro-feminist male looking for insight into gender, sex, and sexuality with as few pretenses and assumptions as possible, I hope. If you're willing, help me understand.

Disclaimer: I'm a male in a long-term monogamous relationship with a woman. We have two young children, who are also male. I'm always open to parenting ideas that'll make them into better people.

If there were a competition for false advertising, the much - talked - about trailer for the Fifty Shades of Grey movie would walk away with first prize. The trailer is filled with scenes of wealth - from Christian Grey’s office to his private plane - and scenes of him and Anastasia having what looks like hot consensual sex in elevators and bedrooms. The signs of wealth are important in both the book and the trailer because they act as a kind of up-market cleansing cream for his abuse, and his pathological attachment to Anastasia is reframed as devotion, since he showers luxury items on her. I doubt that Anastasia would be so bowled over by Christian if he were living on unemployment benefits in a rundown shack, eating cereal for dinner.

If we move from the trailer to the book, the sex isn’t so much hot as violent and dehumanizing. Christian has a thing for what is generally called sadomasochism in the popular press, but in the book what we see is pure sadism carried out by a sophisticated predator who knows how to groom vulnerable girls. While Anastasia is supposed to be 21 in the book, she acts and speaks like an adolescent (“Holy crap!” is her favorite saying), even when being beaten by Christian the sadist. In the trailer she is wearing what could pass for a Catholic school uniform with a plaid skirt and a cardigan, a marker of her immature status.

In the trailer we see a heavy make-out scene in an elevator that looks mutual and kind of fun. In the book, however, Anastasia is taken aback by Christian’s idea of intimacy. Not surprising given how she describes it: “Before I know it, he’s got both of my hands in his viselike grip above my head, and he’s pinning me to the wall using his lips … His other hand grabs my hair and yanks down, bringing my face up, and his lips are on mine … ” For those of us brought up in the age of a feminism that demanded hot sex that was equal and consensual, we would have run for our lives from Christian. But not Anastasia, who keeps coming back for more.

A few chapters on, we get a clear vision of how Christian’s foreplay has progressed into full-blown violence: “Suddenly he grabs me, tipping me across his lap. With one smooth movement, he angles his body so my torso is resting on the bed beside him. He throws his right leg over both mine and plants his left forearm on the small of my back, holding me down so I cannot move … He places his hand on my naked behind, softly fondling me, stroking around and around with his flat palm. And then his hand is no longer there … and he hits me - hard.”

In the trailer there is a hint of some of the violence that is about to come Anastasia’s way when he tells her “I don’t do romance” and warns her that “I am incapable of leaving you alone.” Stalker talk, for sure! In his book on batterers, Lundy Bancroft provides a list of potentially dangerous signs to watch out for from boyfriends. Needless to say, Christian is the poster boy of the list, not only with his jealous, controlling, stalking, sexually sadistic behavior, but his hypersensitivity to what he perceives as any slight against him, his whirlwind romancing of a younger, less powerful woman, and his Jekyll-and-Hyde mood swings. Any one of these is potentially dangerous, but a man who exhibits them all is lethal.

But in true Hollywood style, the last scene of the trailer is of Anastasia having an orgasm as she is blindfolded and tied to a bed. Likewise, the book also ends happily ever after with the sadist and his submissive - yes, that is what he calls her in a contract he asks her to sign outlining the ways he intends to control her - living in wedded bliss with children in a beautiful house.

The most likely real-world ending of Fifty Shades of Grey is fifty shades of black and blue. The awful truth in the real world is that women who partner with a Christian Grey often end up hightailing it to a battered women’s shelter with traumatized kids in tow. The less fortunate end up in graveyards. But my guess is a movie that ends with a funeral and weeping children will not pull in the millions that this film promises to earn. Happy Valentine’s Day!

'Fifty Shades of Grey' Trailer: First Prize for False Advertising

(via exgynocraticgrrl)

(via thefrozenrose)

Is it just me or does paying the babysitter feel a bit like doing a drug deal?

destroyed-and-abandoned:

Mária utca – Budapest, Disctrict 8. by mokhosz

destroyed-and-abandoned:

Mária utca – Budapest, Disctrict 8. by mokhosz

The “Invisible Men project” (the-invisible-men.tumblr.com/) was recently part of an exhibition in Glasgow. The whole exhibition was objected to by those claiming to have an interest in “choice” and “freedom”. The “Invisible Men” project was particularly targeted for condemnation. It uses reviews on “Punternet” to reveal what men really think about women. This revelation is dangerous to those who have a multi-million dollar investment in the illusion of “choice” and “freedom” for women. Unsurprisingly, there was a backlash against the exhibition.

The sex industry lobbyists, and their friends, those bastions of anti-censorship, tried to prevent the exhibition from taking place. I am going to focus on the methods and language used in a petition started by them. It is a microcosm of what is happening everywhere there is feminist, and radical feminist, resistance to male supremacy. That, and the conditioning women experience to protect men above each other and ourselves, is a more powerful silencing weapon than a specially-built prison for feminist agitators.

The title is: “Remove the whorephobic “Invisible Men” exhibit which dehumanizes sex workers”

The most noticeable part of the petition is the use of “whorephobia” (sic) as an actual word which has meaning. It attempts to reframe feminist objections to women being used as disposable male commodities as some kind of deep-seated fear of other women. Every woman is caught up in the sex industry; in the idea that women exist for men’s pleasure/entertainment, and can be bought and sold for our bodies. Our very society is built on that foundation. There is no “them” and “us”. All women need to be invested in destroying a society where this is legitimized in order to free our class. Many radical feminists are survivors of the sex industry and speak out about that experience. All women experience the dehumanization described in the Punternet “reviews” because the words are not only directed towards individual women but towards women as a class. What makes the “Invisible Men” project powerful is having it laid out, in men’s own words; the truth for all to see.

Women who are prostituted are, of course, discriminated against and stigmatized, on top of the inhumane experience of being treated like a product to be reviewed, judged (and found wanting) by the male class. The fact that prostituted women are stigmatized within wider society is used to silence ex-prostituted women, radical feminists, and others, about abuse within prostitution. If we’re presented as “whorephobics”, who merely have a deep-seated fear of prostituted women, and of the “freedom” and “choice” “sex” itself brings, then we become the problem and not the men who abuse and buy women.

rubyfruits, The truth about radical feminism | Sisterhood is powerful (via yoursocialconstructsareshowing)

(via femignome)

latinorebels:

No explanation needed.

latinorebels:

No explanation needed.

(via nextyearsgirl)

thefrozenrose:

genderagnostic:

thefrozenrose:

genalovestoons:

beesmygod:

its so weird that one of the few things that completely and entirely unites an entire generation of jaded adults is an encyclopedic knowledge of spongebob quotes

We’re like brothers…. only closer.

It used to be Simpsons quotes.

Same here. Spongebob came after my time, although watching it with my kids I will admit it’s pretty funny. Quotes from 1990s Simpsons still come up often enough, though not like they used to.

forget gen x and gen y, we’ve got generation simpsons and generation spongebog

I wonder what the generation before that is?

Probably thought it would either shame her into compliance or he could use it to justify cheating.

No doubt. I figure guilt her in a passive aggressive way, maybe get her to agree to something fucked up like a quote or schedule. Or just make her feel like shit in part of an encompassing pattern of abuse. I didn’t think he had the thoughts I was typing out… just trying to wrap my mind around how worthless you have to be to do something like this.

thefrozenrose:

genalovestoons:

beesmygod:

its so weird that one of the few things that completely and entirely unites an entire generation of jaded adults is an encyclopedic knowledge of spongebob quotes

We’re like brothers…. only closer.

It used to be Simpsons quotes.

Same here. Spongebob came after my time, although watching it with my kids I will admit it’s pretty funny. Quotes from 1990s Simpsons still come up often enough, though not like they used to.

  • Notes: 4

I mean, can you imagine really doing something like that? like, sitting down and deciding “this is will do the trick and bring her over to my way of thinking. Maybe her parents, the kids and I will sit her down and have an intervention with her.” I’m sure the thinking was far more fucked up but I can’t even imagine

thefrozenrose:

girldwarf:

lucifers-buttcheeks:

girldwarf:

some unimaginably rapey, entitled, horrible, abusive dude created a spreadsheet documenting his wife rejecting his sexual advances, and then he sent it to her in an email before she went on a trip (check out the wife’s original post on Reddit but fair warning: the comments are about as disgusting as you’d expect from that trash heap of a website)



I SAW THIS ON A DIFFERENT WEBSITE
THE COMMENTS SAID THINGS LIKE “THE WOMAN SHOULD KNOW MEN NEED SEX”  “HER EXCUSES ARE BULLSHIT, WHEN DOES WATCHING A MOVIE EXCUSE NOT GIVING YOUR MAN SOME LOVING.” “HE DESERVES SOME SEX, SHE CANT EXPECT HIM TO JUST GO WITHOUT IT BC SHE DOESNT WANT TO GIVE HIM IT.” “IT DOESNT MATTER WHETHER SHE WANTED IT OR NOT, RELATIONSHIPS ARE ABOUT GIVE AND TAKE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEARN TO GIVE HIM WHAT HE WANTS” 
I ACTUALLY NEARLY VOMITTED BC PEOPLE LIKE THAT ARE SO GROSS
YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO SEX AND TBH I WOULDNT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH A GUY SO CHILDISH AND DEMANDING. ALSO CAN THE WHOLE “MEN NEED SEX, MEN CANT CONTROL THEIR URGES” FUCKING STOP 

When people say “it’s about give and take, she needs to give him what he wants even if she doesn’t, ” they’re literally saying “let him rape her.” Rape is the absence of consent. All it takes is ignoring her no. People disgust me sometimes. And her “excuses” (reasons) are solid. Any reason to say no is solid. And this guy is so entitled and creepy. She’s busy watching her show or just got back from the gym and you feel like you’re owed her body? Right then? Fuck you, dude. She has her own life.

OMG I started reading the notes on this and I just can’t.To hell with anybody who thinks this kind of thing is ok. Sex is not guaranteed because you are married or in a relationship. There are MULTITUDES of reasons she may have said no, INCLUDING the fact that she was FED UP with feeling like he expected sex pretty much every day. Repeat after me:THE ONLY PERSON YOU ARE ENTITLED TO SEXUAL CONTACT WITH IS YOURSELF.Get it through your ducking skull, you’ll be much happier and so will everybody you interact with

thefrozenrose:

girldwarf:

lucifers-buttcheeks:

girldwarf:

some unimaginably rapey, entitled, horrible, abusive dude created a spreadsheet documenting his wife rejecting his sexual advances, and then he sent it to her in an email before she went on a trip (check out the wife’s original post on Reddit but fair warning: the comments are about as disgusting as you’d expect from that trash heap of a website)

I SAW THIS ON A DIFFERENT WEBSITE

THE COMMENTS SAID THINGS LIKE “THE WOMAN SHOULD KNOW MEN NEED SEX” “HER EXCUSES ARE BULLSHIT, WHEN DOES WATCHING A MOVIE EXCUSE NOT GIVING YOUR MAN SOME LOVING.” “HE DESERVES SOME SEX, SHE CANT EXPECT HIM TO JUST GO WITHOUT IT BC SHE DOESNT WANT TO GIVE HIM IT.” “IT DOESNT MATTER WHETHER SHE WANTED IT OR NOT, RELATIONSHIPS ARE ABOUT GIVE AND TAKE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEARN TO GIVE HIM WHAT HE WANTS” I ACTUALLY NEARLY VOMITTED BC PEOPLE LIKE THAT ARE SO GROSS YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO SEX AND TBH I WOULDNT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH A GUY SO CHILDISH AND DEMANDING. ALSO CAN THE WHOLE “MEN NEED SEX, MEN CANT CONTROL THEIR URGES” FUCKING STOP

When people say “it’s about give and take, she needs to give him what he wants even if she doesn’t, ” they’re literally saying “let him rape her.” Rape is the absence of consent. All it takes is ignoring her no. People disgust me sometimes.

And her “excuses” (reasons) are solid. Any reason to say no is solid. And this guy is so entitled and creepy. She’s busy watching her show or just got back from the gym and you feel like you’re owed her body? Right then? Fuck you, dude. She has her own life.

OMG I started reading the notes on this and I just can’t.

To hell with anybody who thinks this kind of thing is ok.

Sex is not guaranteed because you are married or in a relationship. There are MULTITUDES of reasons she may have said no, INCLUDING the fact that she was FED UP with feeling like he expected sex pretty much every day.
Repeat after me:
THE ONLY PERSON YOU ARE ENTITLED TO SEXUAL CONTACT WITH IS YOURSELF.
Get it through your ducking skull, you’ll be much happier and so will everybody you interact with

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